


Almost

by Milkfish11



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: 3RACHA, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Drama, Drama & Romance, Dreams, Goodbyes, M/M, Romance, woochan - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-25
Updated: 2019-09-25
Packaged: 2020-10-28 02:54:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20771351
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Milkfish11/pseuds/Milkfish11
Summary: On his path of achieving his one and only dream since he was old enough to dream, Chan met Woojin, the person that painted colors to his life of black and white. Their love for music made them friends then made them lovers. What they have was not  perfect but it was something great, something rare. But when Chan lost his grasp to his only dream he ended everything with a goodbye only to realize that he could not breathe without Woojin by his side.





	Almost

**Author's Note:**

> The whole story was based from the songs below. So If you want to get angsty before/after reading this, listen to them. (I should stop listening to sad songs. LOL)
> 
> Taylor Swift's Death by a thousand Cuts, Afterglow and I Almost do.  
Stray Kids' Mixtape #2  
Day6's I would
> 
> You can shout at me on twitter @milkfishy

**ALMOST**

“I’m leaving.”

“What?” Woojin took his eyes off from the report he had been typing on his laptop and glanced at Chan who was standing in front of him.

“I’m going back home… I’m going back to Australia.”

Woojin paused for a moment, carefully thinking what suddenly brought up the sudden vacation plan. An ominous thought flashed at the back of his mind gave him a freezing chill for a fleeting second but he ignored it and smiled instead.

“Okay… I’m sure you missed your family so much. Have you booked your flight? Are you going to—”

“Woojinie, I think I’m going to stay there for a while…” Chan cut him off, face hard and shaded.

“Oh.” Woojin's tone deflated like a balloon. He closed off his laptop and turned his attention fully to Chan. “How… how long is that?”

“I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?” Woojin asked flatly as he stared at Chan’s solemn face. Tensed silence passed between the two but no answer came. There was a sudden drop in mood and temperature in the room as Woojin’s line of thought arrived at the destination of where this conversation was going. “So, is this… are you breaking up with me now?”

Chan shook his head. “I’m not sure. I don’t know.”

“The fact that you’re bringing this up to me now, I think we both know that’s not true.”

Chan flinched at the Woojin’s sharp voice as if he had been cut. He stared at Woojin in bleeding silence before he dropped his gaze to his feet.

“I guess, I shouldn’t have asked.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Why?” Woojin asked, eyes snapping heatedly at Chan. “Why are you doing this? Is this about—”

“Yes,” Chan cut him off, his weak voice quivered through space between them. “This is about my dream… This is about how much of a failure I am. I just don’t think I can stay here anymore.”

The storm on Woojin’s eyes dissolve into drizzle during a sunny day when he heard the defeat on Chan’s voice. Ever since they the two of them first met, seven years ago, Chan had been very vocal about his love for music and of his dream of becoming an artist that make and produced his own songs. It was like it was the only thing that Chan has envisioned himself doing for all his life. Woojin had witnessed it his own eyes on how Chan struggled on achieving the only thing that he wanted the most. He decided on not going to university and focus on his craft. He’d gone to countless audition and training. He’d received a fair share of acceptance and rejection. Woojin was there when Chan had finally managed to get accepted to an agency and he saw how Chan glowed in happiness as he come a step closer to his dream. But the sea between Chan and his dream was not always calm and serene. Sometimes, it was full of angry waves, harsh winds and murky waters and Chan’s boat was always fighting its way to keep afloat. There were delays, there were evaluations and risk of elimination that punched holes on Chan’s boat until finally, half way on his journey, it sank deep in the cold bottomless ocean.

Woojin sighed as he stood and faced Chan. He reached out, grabbing Chan on both of his shoulder. “You’re not a failure and I’ll never see you as one,” he said.

“But I do.” Chan lifted his gaze and met the calm conviction on Woojin’s brown ones. “You know how hard I tried, how long I waited, how many sleepless nights and how much I put into this for the sake of achieving my dreams. But I’m so exhausted now. It has been 7 years. I feel like I’m starting to lose myself little by little as I chased this stupid dream. I don’t even know who am I right now. I don’t think I will ever make it or be what I wanted to be. Even if I did, will it be worth it? Will I be as happy as I thought I would be?”

“So, you’re just going to give up then? You’re just going to run away? How could that be the solution?”

“I know it’s not but I could not stay here anymore. I feel so suffocated. This whole place, this whole city, anywhere I look reminds of how much I failed, how stupid and pathetic I am. I just can’t…stay here anymore.”

“What about me then?” Woojin asked, tasting his bitterness from his mouth down to his throat. He peered at Chan with flickering light of dying stars on his eyes. “Is that the reason that you want to end everything with me? Because I don’t understand why you have to give up on me too. I never… I will never give up on you, you know that.”

“I know. I know it more than anyone else.” Chan reached out and grabbed Woojin’s calloused hands. He gave is a tender squeeze as he traced the scars of the guitar strings on his fingers. “That’s why I’m so ashamed every time I look at you. I feel like I’m dragging you down with me, that you’re suffering all the things that you didn’t deserve because of me. You still have a great future ahead of you while I’m just worthless excuse of a person.”

Tears cascaded down Chan’s beautiful face like the curtains at the end of a play and Woojin was left to stare at the broken and vulnerable mess in front of him. It seemed that Chan had been hoarding all this poisonous thoughts and sadness for a long time and now he was finally letting himself to bleed it all out. It was like a stab of a blunt object to Woojin’s chest that Chan decided to keep all of this from him. It made Woojin wanting to shoot himself that he did not noticed that something like this is eating his Chan away. _His Chan._

“I love you, Chan,” Woojin says softly, reaching to out to Chan’s face to wipe the tears streaming down his cheeks. “I never see you as worthless or undeserving. I want you to know that. The only future I wanted is the one with you. So, please don’t give up on me… Don’t give up on us.”

Something hollow and cold knocked Woojin off when Chan turned his face away from his hand.

“I’m sorry… I tried, Woojinie. I tried so hard but I can’t stop myself from feeling this way. I just can’t. I just can’t stay here in this place. It’s getting so hard for me to breathe here. I just can’t stay here… with you.”

Woojin was no more a stranger on how painful heartbreak was. His life was not always full of glittering rainbows and sunshine all the time. He experienced his fair share of things that haunts him at night. The same goes with his relationship with Chan. They had a lot of shortcomings and nasty fallout that made him cursed, screamed and cry. But every time, no matter what happened, they would eventually pick up their broken pieces together along with all their cuts and bruises.

Because they love each other.

However, this time, witnessing how Chan could not even looked at Woojin, hearing him say that he could not stay here with him, seeing the agony on Chan’s eyes when he said how difficult it was for him to breathe here, did more than breaking his heart. Woojin shook in agony as his heart and his insides were all being shredded into pieces. Helplessness covered his body like a second skin like he was suddenly pushed into dark churning water and he was drowning and gasping for air. He was out of oxygen and words even though there were millions of things storming his muddled mind that he wanted to say. There were millions of reasons that he wanted Chan to hear and understand. But he was suddenly crippled by the fear of not saying it right. Chan was slipping from away from Woojin’s grasp like water. All Woojin wanted on that moment is for Chan to stay.

With him…

“Is there something that I can say that would make you change your mind?” Woojin pleadingly asked, begging for one miraculous chance, a stray tear escaping his warm brown eyes. “I can say anything. I will do everything, Chan… for you. Please, all you had to do is tell me.”

When Chan finally met his gaze again, Woojin knew that he had lost his chance, he had lost his love.

“I love you, Woojin, my cute little bear,” Chan said, a faint smile of resounding defeat lingering on his lips. He cupped Woojin’s face for the last time, memorizing all the lines of his handsome face. “I’m so lucky that you love me with all of you no matter how much of a mess I am. I don’t know if I will ever be lucky enough to experience another love as wonderful as the one, I have with you.” Chan wiped the tears on Woojin’s cheek with his thumb. “But I don’t’ think that it would be fair for you to shoulder all of my baggage that I could not even deal myself. I’m sorry.”

Woojin did not say anything for a long while, Chan’s words echoing in thousand voices in his head. This was his last chance to stare at Chan’s droopy eyes, at his adorable dimples, at his stupid and beautiful curly hair.

“Can I hug you?” Woojin finally asked.

Chan blinked confusedly for a moment, surprised by the tangent request. He nodded and mumbled a weak, “Of course.”

With all the reason that aching on his chest, Woojin closed the distance between them, arms encircling around Chan tightly. He buried his face on his hair and breathe in the all too familiar smell of the man he had known for seven exquisite years. The man that he loves the most.

“Chan…” Woojin whispered on Chan’s ears. “I’m hoping that one day you would look back and see how far you’ve come. I’m hoping that you would see that there’s no point for you to give up on your dreams… because you’re almost there.” Woojin slowly let go, as he tenderly kissed Chan on top of his head.

Chan looked at Woojin with a broken hope glistening on his eyes that Woojin almost thought, for few deceiving seconds that Chan had changed his mind and tell him that he would stay with him.

But it never came.

“Even after that I hurt you, you still wanted to make me feel better. How did I deserve you?” Chan chuckled self-deprecatingly on his poor attempt of lightening up the situation. “I would never be enough for you.”

“No,” Woojin shook his head and smiled hopelessly at Chan. “I think it was the other way around, Chan. You’re more than enough for me. I’m the one who is not enough for you.”

_Not enough for you to stay…_

~0~

The stadium flashed vibrant of multicolored lights as the whole concert grounds shook as the fans chanted their names. Chan had lost count how much he bowed and thanked all the people came to the very first concert of his group named 3RACHA. He could not believe that he finally made it. It felt so unreal that after all the hardships, gruesome and sleepless nights, and countless of harsh criticism and rejections, the dream he has since he was old enough to dream was now tangible and in his grasp. Chan knew that this was only the start. He would make sure that there will be more people that will hear their music, his music. The craft he honed all throughout his life.

“That was a great show, guys!” The ecstatic voice of their manager boomed as soon as they stepped out of the podium.

“What else would it be? All our shows will be awesome because I would be in it.” Jisung puffed his chest with pride.

Changbin rolled his eyes. “When will you ever stopped spouting such nonsense?”

“When will you ever stopped being bitter?” Jisung retorted.

Chan shook his head and chuckled. He approached the bickering members of 3RACHA and ruffled their hair before he encircled his arms around them.

“When will the two of you ever stopped bickering?” Chan grinned at them.

Jisung glared at Changbin briefly before he pouted at Chan. “But Chan hyung, he started it!”

“I’m just stating facts.” Changbin crossed his arms.

“C’mon you two, shouldn’t we celebrate the success of our first concert?” Chan glanced at the other two.

The three of them looked at each other until their face broke into three identical grins.

“Hell, yes!”

So, they went to their favorite chicken and barbeque restaurant that they manager reserved for them. They talked, laughed and shared their experiences and feelings while they were on stage. They ate like there was no tomorrow. They sang, joked around and played some games with the staffs. And of course, this would not be a celebration without some soju and beer involved. Although Chan stopped after a few shots when his sense of being the Dad of the group kicked in. Jisung and Changbin were already handful when sober and when both drunk, they could wreak havoc when left unattended. Chan knew that he needed to take the responsibility of looking out for his younger members tonight.

It was almost one in the morning when Chan had put down and tucked in both Jisung and Changbin to their bed in their own rooms. Chan wiped an imaginary sweat on his forehead as after the whole ordeal before scurrying over his own room. He was starting to feel the toll of this memorable day on his body so after washing off his face and brushing his teeth he went straight to his bed.

Although his body was totally exhausted, his mind and heart were not. Chan laid there on his bed, unmoving, with wide eyes, staring at his dull ceiling as he replayed the events of the evening. The loud booming music, the flashing lights, the sound of the audience singing to their songs and screaming their names. Up until now, Chan could not still believe it, that he made it. He could only think of one word that could describe what he was feeling. It was surreal. Chan never imagined that he would ever be this happy after all the he’d been through. Chan was so truly damn happy. But despite all the happiness and fulfillment of finally achieving the things that he had only been dreaming before, there was still this void on his heart that he could not be filled by his achievements. A bottomless hole Chan dug by himself when he left three years ago, a missing piece that only someone that he knew could complete.

_Woojin._

Three excruciating years had passed since the day Chan last saw him. It had been three long years but he could still remember everything perfectly, from the day that they first met to the day they had their first kiss until the day that Chan turned tail and ended everything between them. There hasn’t been a day that he never regretted what he did that day and beat himself up for being stupid and hurting the person who did nothing but support him and love him unconditionally. Because Chan knew that he would not feel so alone right now if Woojin was here. He would not be desperately searching for his face on the crowd a while ago. If Woojin was here, he would be there in the front row, staring at Chan with pride in his eyes and giving him his signature ‘Chanie-I’m-right-here’ smile. If Woojin was here, he would be hugging Chan right now, humming an unknown lullaby as he whispers fondly on Chan’s hair, ‘You did well, Chanie’ over and over again until he fell asleep. If Woojin was here, everything would have been perfect. He would be absolutely happy, complete and contented.

But Woojin was not here.

Chan would do anything just be with Woojin again but it had been a year since he came back to Korea and he still had no idea where his Woojin was. He left their previous apartment. He left the academy where the part timed as vocal instructor while he finished his degree in music education. Their mutual friends did not know where did he go. Chan could not even reach him through his phone. Chan had gone through all their favorite places. During his days off, Chan would frequent the park or the music store that Woojin loves to visit hoping that for the off-chance of meeting him there. But Chan could never find him. It was like Woojin had just vanished like a bubble that popped into the thin air and Chan was left with no one to blame but himself. He could feel his hand fisting on his blanket tightly as the fear of never seeing Woojin again engulfed his whole body. So, Chan closed his wet eyes, wishing of dreaming about Woojin tonight even though he knew that sleep would always be elusive to him without Woojin by his side.

~0~

“So… what’s our plan tomorrow?” Jisung’s eyes zeroed curiously from Changbin to Chan. The three of them were chilling on their apartment’s common area after finishing up one of their promotions. They were having a few days off after months of concerts and promoting their new album.

“I’ll probably sleep in tomorrow.” Changbin answered with a yawn.

Jisung looked disappointed with Changbin’s answer but not surprised. “Changbin hyung is as boring as his dark clothes he always wears.”

“Ya! I’m not boring and my clothes are just fine!”

Chan could not help at chuckle when Jisung just stared dryly at Changbin for a moment but paid his protest no mind and turned to him instead.

Jisung gave him an expectant look like child asking his parents for a cookie. “What about you Chan-hyung?”

Chan paused for a second, caught off-guard by the sudden attention of the other two members at him. “I… I actually have nothing planned tomorrow,” Chan answered, sounding somewhat apologetic. It was the truth though. Normally, during his free days, if he was not being dragged by Jisung to somewhere that caught his eyes, Chan would just pack up with his ear pods and casually visit the music academy where Woojin worked before or casually stroll at their favorite parks or chicken restaurant, taking his chance to accidentally meet Woojin there. Chan has been doing it for a year now every time his schedule permits but he never once found any signs of Woojin. He had a sinking feeling that Woojin had already moved to another city and Chan had no idea where to start his search.

“Don’t you usually go to the park in Gangnam or the Chicken restaurant near Han river?” Changbin piped in casually, surprising Chan on how the rapper knew his whereabouts.

“How did you know that?”

Jisung held his hand up and smiled at him guiltily. “We might have followed you a few times.”

“Why?” Chan asked, a slight bite of accusation leaked from his voice. He knew that the two have no ulterior or ill motive for doing that but still, Chan was already raising his defenses like he was being invaded.

“At first… we’re just a little curious,” Jisung gave him his signature adorable and apologetic look after getting caught in his usual round of mischief. “But we became really invested after realizing that you’re always going to the same places and nowhere else. And you always looked like you’re—”

“—You’re waiting or searching for something… or someone.” Changbin finished for Jisung solemnly. “Why is that Chan hyung?”

Chan was winded with the pointed question. He stared at the confused and sympathetic gazes of his two bandmates before turning himself away not knowing what to say.

“Are you perhaps looking for… Woojin-ssi?”

The way Chan’s eyes automatically snapped towards Jisung after hearing Woojin’s name was enough answer for the Jisung and Changbin. Chan sighed and closed his eyes trying to calm himself down. He was not sure why he felt so upset and vulnerable as the two members figured that out. It was not like they were wrong anyway and it was not like Chan have not told them about Woojin. One drunken night, Chan had accidentally told them about how lonely and miserable he was feeling without Woojin or how stupid of him to fucked the best thing that happened to his life. Chan did not spill everything but it was enough for Jisung and Changbin to understand what happened.

“You should’ve told us that you’ve been searching for him all this time, hyung.”

Chan perked up as the sound of Jisung’s voice came closer to him. He opened his eyes and saw Jisung standing in front of him with a grin on his face. He was handing a piece of paper to him. Chan took it hesitantly and there was an unfamiliar address scribbled in a messy handwriting on the paper.

“We all know how loaded Changbin hyung is, right?” Jisung smiled at him mischievously as leaned back to where he was his previously sat. “I might have begged him to pull some strings so we could help you with your mission, hyung.”

“Is this…” Chan opened his mouth and stopped mid-sentence before a big toothy smile broke into his face.

“Go get your man, hyung!” Changbin smiled at him.

Without any warning, he lunged to Jisung and Changbin with his arms wide open and smothered his member with his famous hug with so much force that the sofa tumbled backwards and the three of fell over laughing their asses off.

~0~

Chan stood in front of a nondescript door of the apartment on the address that Jisung and Changbin had given him last night for a whole ten minutes already. Now that he was at the moment that he could finally see and talked to Woojin, it seemed like all of his excitement and hope he had the night before was replaced by anxiety and fear. There was this sudden invisible weight that was holding him for reaching to the doorbell. His mind was running millions of questions for every second he was staring at the door. Things like what to say or how would he greet Woojin or wondering how would Woojin react when he sees him or if Woojin even wanted to see him in the first place. It was all coming down on Chan in heavy chains of guilt and hesitation.

_You will never know if you won’t ring that damn doorbell_, Chan berated himself angrily. He sighed and quickly mumbled, “Fuck it, here goes nothing,” under his breath before finally ringing the doorbell.

A long-suffering silence took over that Chan started to think Woojin might not be at home right now. The thought was ironically both disappointing and relieving at the same time. As Chan’s hope and anticipation started to sank, he heard a clicking sound from the other side of the door before it swung open. Chan was greeted by a somewhat annoyed looking guy who seemed to be around his age or maybe younger.

“Hello?” Chan said him sounding a little unsure.

“Who are you?” The guy asked him blankly.

“I’m… I’m Bang Chan.” Chan stuttered, feeling slightly intimidated with the look that the guy was throwing at him.

The guy then fully opened the door and step on the doorway. He cocked his head and crossed his arms, “And?”

Chan faltered for second before he finally gained a little of himself back, remembering his sole purpose of being there. “Uh, actually I was looking for Wooj—”

But Chan was interrupted by a very distinct honey voice coming from the inside of the apartment.

“Minho-ya, who’s at the door?”

The guy, Minho, turned and glanced at his back allowing Chan to see fully the familiar figure that emerged on the hallway of the apartment. And after three years and five months, Chan has finally locked eyes with Woojin again.

“Chan?” Woojin’s stunned voice echoed pleasantly on Chan’s ear. Just hearing Woojin say his name again instantly made Chan’s chest bubbled with warmth.

“Woojinie…”

The two of them stared at each other’s eyes for an unknown length of time until Minho’s voice shook the two of them out of trance.

“Hyung, you know this guy?” Minho gestured to Chan with his thumb.

Woojin flickered fleetingly at Chan before glancing back at Minho. “Yes,” Woojin answered with a nod. He made his way to the door and Chan could not even think of doing anything but to stare as he can see everything of Woojin much clearer now that he was within a Chan’s reach. “What are you doing here, Chan?”

Chan blinked out of stupor upon hearing Woojin’s calm voice. “I… I came here to see you.” Now that the initial shock was starting to wear off, Chan was getting sucked again to his inner turmoil and pessimism. He dropped his gaze for a moment before peering hopefully at Woojin. “Can we talk?”

No immediate answer came and Chan could feel his heart constricting and sinking under Woojin’s passive scrutiny, thinking that this would be the time that Woojin would turn him away. Chan’s heart almost leaped out of his ribcage when he saw Woojin nodded at him with a faint smile on the corner of his lips.

Woojin turned to Minho. “I’ll be gone for a while. I’ll just see you guys at the mall.”

A frown instantly marred Minho’s delicate feature. “But hyung!” He whined childishly. “I don’t want to be Hyunjin and Minnie’s third wheel.”

“You won’t be for long.” Woojin chuckled, patting Minho’s shoulder.

A frustrated sigh escaped from Minho before he turned to Chan with a glare and then storming off inside the apartment.

~0~

They have been walking for quite a while now since they left the apartment. Chan had no idea where Woojin would take him and he could not bring himself to ask. The silence between them was not awkward but it was not comfortable either. Chan was racking his brain of how to start a conversation as the one practiced last night and all throughout his train ride this morning but he every time he glanced at Woojin’s direction surreptitiously he was tongue-tied. Chan was lost on his own internal struggle that he was startled when Woojin suddenly stopped on walking and turned to him.

“You dyed your hair,” Chan blurted the first thing that came to his mind in surprise, pointing out the light golden color of Woojin’s hair.

“Oh, this?” Woojin peered upward through the strands of hair that covered his forehead, taking the sudden subject in a stride. “Minho did this. He said that the color would suit me or whatever.”

“He’s right though.” Chan sincerely agreed as he stared how the color complemented on Woojin’s tanned skin. “It suits you.”

“Really? Don’t let him hear you say that. He’ll gloat it in my face.” Woojin laughed lightly.

Chan felt a sudden pressing weight on his chest as he heard a hint of fondness on Woojin’s voice as he talked about the guy, Minho. He could not help himself but wonder how close the two them were. He wanted to know but he knew he was in no place to ask. So, he let the subject trailed off into silence and decided to look around where they were. They stood at a middle of a small street surrounded by trees at both side that seemed to inclined uphill at distance. Chan slowly scanned the leaves above their head and was not surprised to see them all red and auburn before his gaze fell back to Woojin. He took this moment to study his face, taking notes of all the things that changed and things that remained the same. The redness of his lips, the lines of his face, the style of his hair. It was only he met smiling eyes of Woojin that Chan embarrassedly look away having caught staring.

“I saw your interview on TV.” Woojin’s calm voice drifted soothingly with the crisp afternoon air. “You look good like you were made to be seen on screen, like I’ve always thought you would.” When Chan dared to look at Woojin again he was beaming at him with a proud smile. “I guess you’ve finally made it, Chan.”

After all these years, after all that Chan did, he could still hear the softness and unwavering faith in Woojin’s words. Chan was left in dazed, eyes faltering in both gratefulness and regret. He could only stare at Woojin as the subdued whispers of winds brushed against his hair under the burning autumn sunset.

How could he leave this beautiful man? Chan asked himself.

“Thanks…” Chan muttered almost to himself before shook his head out his daze and returned Woojin’s smile. He repeated in a much confident voice, “Thank you, Woojin.”

There was short pause as Chan averted his gaze looking at the orange silhouettes of the tree leaves at a distance. “It’s because of you, you know. Remember what you said to me?” He briefly glanced at Woojin to see him mildly surprise. “It took me a while to do it and I’m so thankful that I eventually did. I look back Woojin. Every time I’m about to stop and give up, I look back and see how far I’ve come. I look back to see that there’s no point on giving up now.” Chan looked at Woojin, eyes steady, twinkling in gratefulness under the afternoon light, “You’re the reason that I made it, Woojin.”

“I’m glad, Chan. I’m really happy to know that you’ve done it. But you don’t have to thank me because what you have now is all on you, Chan. It’s you who did not give up after all.” Chan was lost for words when he saw the pride on Woojin’s eyes, like he never doubted him for even a second.

“You’re happy right?” Woojin asked but then shook his head like it was a foolish of him to ask that. He stared at Chan for an unblinking seconds before there was a satisfied tug on the corner of his lips. “I can see that you’re very happy.”

Chan chuckled lightly. His eyes glazed in nostalgia a distance, remembering the constant anxiety, the fallout, of how his vision and dreams crumbled, how he struggled on picking himself up, the grueling routine of practice, sleep, practice and all the crumpled papers of an unfinished songs on his desk.

“I’m happy, yes. I’m so happy that all my hard work and tribulations finally paid off. It feels so surreal…” Chan sighed contently before he dropped his gaze and his voice grew somber. “But… at the end of the day when I was alone in my room, I know that there still something missing.”

“It’s you Woojinie.”

“Chan...”

“I’ve been searching for you for quite some time and now I finally found you.” Chan turned to Woojin with swirling vortex of emotions on his face, looking so uncertain, hopeful and afraid. “I know that this so shameless of me to ask but, can you forgive me? Can we… start again? Can you please take me back, Woojnie?”

And there, Chan had finally said what his heart has been dying to say. It was liberating and frightening at the same time, like he had taken the last step and we has free falling with nothing but his weight and gravity not sure if it was the cold hard ground or freezing water that awaits him in the end. Chan’s heart was going wild on his chest and his lungs constricting his air ways as the silence hung in the air like a poisonous haze. Woojin looked shocked, then conflicted but then his eyes slowly drop and softened in remorse at he stared at Chan.

“Chan… I… I’m sorry. I can’t.”

Chan closed his eyes, fighting the tears that was threatening to fall. He knew that he had a very slim chance or maybe no chance at all. But he still clung to whatever hope he had like a drug. Chan blindly trusted his love for the guy in front of him and hoping somehow Woojin would see it through his eyes, how much he wanted him, how much he needed him. Maybe Woojin did not see it or maybe he saw it but chose to ignore it. Just the thought of it cut Chan’s heart open.

“Why?” Chan asked pathetically before he could stop himself. He hesitated for a moment as his thoughts that all over his head had drifted to the Minho guy he met at the apartment and fondness on Woojin’s voice when he talked about him. “Is there… someone else?”

Woojin shook his head. “There’s no one, Chan.”

“Then, why? I figured that you might have move on already but can you give a chance?” Chan begged, his voice stinking with desperation. “A chance to love you until you could love me again.”

“But Chan…”

“No! No. Please Woojin!” Chan pitifully grabbed on to Woojin’s hands in all of his vulnerability. “There’s no day that I did not regret ending everything with you. I know you may be still mad at me but can you forgive me for being stupid and selfish?”

“It’s not because of that Chan.” Woojin said in a firm and calm voice, squeezing Chan’s hand with his own. “I admit that there was some time that I’m so angry at you and blamed you… But not anymore. I’ve forgiven you long ago when I came to the terms on why you did what you did. We cannot help what we feel right? I’ve realized that it must’ve been so hard for you, having to go all of that alone. I actually think that I’m the one that should be blamed for not being with you on the times that you needed me the most.”

Chan shook his head adamantly in full opposition because there was no one else to blame but him. He was the one that burned what they built. “No, Woojin. It’s not your fault. It’s all on me. I know you would be there for me if I have just said anything but I felt so insecure and small and I became so scared and just decided to run away. I’m the one who ruined everything. It’s all on me why we ended up this way.”

A sigh escaped on Woojin’s lips. “I guess we can say that we’re both at fault, hmm?” He gave Chan a sad smile and wiped the first teardrop that fled from Chan’s eyes with his thumb. “But it’s been three years, Chan, we should have already forgiven each other and stop blaming ourselves by now, right?”

“So, why can’t you give me a chance?”

“Because I don’t think I can love anyone right now.”

Chan watched as Woojin’s gaze dropped to the ground. A full second of beating silence and heavy breathing passed before Woojin finally locked eyes at him again, full of fears and nightmares.

“I’ll be honest, Chan,” Woojin began in a grave voice. “It’s been so hard for me to move on from you.” Woojin took a deep shaky breath, as chaos filled his eyes, like everything was flashing in front him in thousand torn pictures. “When you leave, I could barely function in weeks. I woke up in the middle of the night with flashbacks of you… of us. I tried calling you but you never picked up. I foolishly waited for you to call and hopelessly stared at the door waiting for you to burst in with a smile and say that you’ll stay with me. But months and months had passed and you never did and I thought that maybe you never will…”

“So, I tried to get myself together and move on but you made it so difficult, Chan. Everywhere I look, I could see you and your smile. Everywhere I go I could hear your voice. Every time I look at myself at the mirror, it’s you that I see and I would feel your touch all over my body. I let you take up every part of me. My favorite streets, my favorite chicken restaurant, the music academy, my body, my favorite songs and horror movies, my heart. I finally understood how you must have felt when you said that it’s was so hard to breathe because I felt suffocated. That’s why left Seoul because I can see you everywhere there.” Woojin stared at him with a resigned and beady eye as his voice broke. “It’s so hard… I gave you so much, Chan but it wasn’t enough.”

Chan’s hands that were holding on Woojin’s gradually loosen until it eventually fell back lifelessly on his side and whatever broken pieces of his heart he still had, disintegrated bit by bit for every word that had Woojin said. Chan could not believe on the repercussions of what he did three years ago. He could not believe of how much he had made Woojin suffer or how much pain he inflicted. He could not believe he made Woojin go through all of that. He never thought it would be this much. Chan looked at Woojin in agony as the guilt filled his heart and airways up to his throat that made him gasping for air and left him with no words to say.

“But now, I’m starting to heal myself. I’m starting to be happy again. I made new friends and they really helped me and somehow I can slowly be myself again.” Woojin smiled at him that was both broken and hopeful.

“I’m sorry… I’m so sorry, Woojinie. I’m sorry for hurting you so much.” Chan hated how hollow and small his apology sounded.

“It’s ok, Chan. It’s all in the past.” This time it was Woojin that reached out to Chan’s hand. He held it in a firm assurance as if silently telling Chan that it was okay, that everything was now alright. “I did not say all of that for you to blame yourself. It must have been hard for you too, right? I just want you to understand why I can’t be with you.”

Chan grew silent for the longest time. They were reaching the end and he knew that Woojin was slipping away from him, taking all the beautiful colors that he painted on Chan’s monochromatic life. His stomach dropped and the sinking feeling started to suck him in to desolate despair.

“I thought you said that the only future you wanted is the one with me on it.” Chan loathed himself for being unfair and bringing it up but he was running out choice, he was running out time.

“I still do, Chan. But maybe not in the same way that we have before.”

Woojin was slowly slipping away, slowly fading into distance further and further away from Chan’s reaching hand.

“But we can make it happen now, Woojin. Don’t give up on me please.” Chan whispered as he cupped Woojin’s face, looking at him with his eyes full of silent tears.

“I can’t, Chan. I’m sorry.”

“I can wait for you, Woojin. Just tell me to wait and I would. No matter how long it takes.”

“I was willing to wait for you too before, Chan. That day, I asked you what I could say to make you stay but you never said anything that’s when I realized that I already lost you.”

“You didn’t! I came back Woojin. I’m here now. This time it would be different. We can be better together. I would be better. It’s within our reach. We’re almost there, Woojinie.”

“You’re right. We’re almost there.” Woojin sighed and gave Chan a look that was full of longing. He put his hands over the ones that was cupping his face and gently put it down. He smiled regretfully and said in a soft voice, “But maybe that’s how far we’re all going to be.”

The brittle and stunted foundations that was holding Chan’s world had finally collapsed into dust. Chan trembled as his vision became blurry with tears. He cried everything out. All of his bottled-up sadness and loneliness. All the sleepless night he spent on wondering how Woojin was doing or if he was even thinking of Chan. All the times he ached for Woojin’s warmth. All the times he wished Woojin’s arms were holding him. All the times that he traced Woojin’s lips on his.

All of it was all gone.

_If only Chan could go back to that time… _

“Can I hug you?” Chan asked over his sobs.

_He would make a different choice. He would never leave Woojin. His Woojin._

Woojin’s eyes blinked at him surprise before in softens to the memory of three years ago. “Of course,” he said.

Chan sobs was muffled as he buried himself into Woojin’s embrace. He wished everything was all just a dream and he would wake up to see Woojin sleeping peacefully beside him however as the autumn wind blows, taking the last traces of his hope, Chan realized that he had finally lost the man that he loves the most.

END

**Author's Note:**

> I should not be writing this but I got stuck on WooChan these past days and this story just popped in my head and kept on bugging so I just have to write it down to flush it out of my system. Typing this out took longer that the my actual writing on my notebook but here it is.
> 
> Hope you guys enjoy it!


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